I have a lot of stuff and that stuff has created many problems for me in the seven years that I have been living in my own home.
Since Papaya was born I felt the need to simplify and that meant getting rid of all the stuff. As I started emptying my house and letting go I realised my clutter was something I was using to make myself feel better.
I have been struggling with anxiety my whole life. Looking back I realised that I have been suffering through panic attacks since I was six years old. As I grew the anxiety and fear grew with me. Then I turned 18, I moved far away from my mom and within the first month Bennie and I were the victims of two minor crimes. This combined with the fact that we were living in a very busy apartment building, were people would occasionally try to open the door, and Bennie working until late at night meant that I was constantly scared.
Slowly I started accumulating more things and the more things I had the safer I felt. After four years we moved back to our home town, to a much bigger house in a safe security complex. I had more space so I thought I had to fill it with more things to keep me safe. So this vicious cycle kept repeating and the stuff started becoming overwhelming but I couldn’t let go. Letting go of all the things meant letting go of my sense of security.
Then this beautiful little girl who is sleeping next to me came in to my life and I realised I have to make a change. For my sake as well as for her. I slowly started realising that I had been governed by fear my whole life but I have the power to make a change. To make sure that my fear and anxiety does not affect my little girl so that she, hopefully, will never feel the way I did as a child.
So I will get rid of all the stuff and as I get rid of the things that clutter my home I will address the feelings behind them. Slowly, piece by piece, I will declutter my way to good mental health.
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